They said it couldn’t happen… but it did.
February 28, 2008
I had a ‘focus group’ dinner with some of my clients last night (wood oven roasted pizza, baked oysters, and rib eyed steak – what a feast!) I asked them the single biggest benefit they got from our work together. They started off by saying they got business results they wanted, i.e,. one grew business 40% in a year, another was promoted on the fast track, a third has ‘the big boss’ raving about him. Yet they all said the thing that meant the most to them from our coaching, was this:
(Can you guess?)
They said: “Confidence, but its more than that”…
Someone called it: “Faith in myself”
A woman called it: “Validating my value”
A guy called it “Self empowered, I know how to stand out from my peers”
One declared, it’s: “Freedom”
They agreed on the summation: “I am who I am, and I’m finally ok with that”
As we were talking they said our work together taught them the ability to tap into their hidden inner potential that they didn’t know how to do before. They now know how to get the most out of themselves, in their personal and professional lives. If they are having a bad day, they know how to let it go and move on.
For all the ways they used to look to other people to feel approved of, to know how they were doing; or for the ways they didn’t ‘put themselves out there’ to avoid others’ criticisms – my clients now have the tools to get what they need from within. They all agreed that they now bypass worrying about what other people think about them and put their energy into making the life they want. They make great connections with others, but rely on themselves.
If you are thinking to yourself “that’s great for them, but I could never feel that?” I’ll tell you they thought so too. Some of my clients are in business for themselves, others work in companies. Some are in a sales role, others in operational roles. It doesn’t matter what you do in your career or where you start from – once you are comfortable being who you are and make effective use of who you are – you have the foundation you need for success in both your professional and personal life.
-
Do you have the ability to validate your own value, without seeking approval from other people?
If you need to look for other people to feel confident in your life, what effect does it have on your life?
What would be different in your life if you could rely on yourself rather than look to other people?
2) How do you get the best out of yourself now? If you do so by criticizing yourself or being fearful that you will make a fool out of yourself, does this feel like a sustainable strategy for the rest of your life?
-
Does how you feel about yourself at the end of the day depend on whether you’ve made a good sale or whether you spent too much time surfing the net?
Or do you have the ability to accept yourself and move on, no matter what? How would your evenings be different if you had the ability to accept yourself no matter what happened at work that day?
If you want the toolbox to tap your hidden inner potential, join my 8 week course in NYC starting Tuesdays in March. You, too, can be ‘free’ of your doubts and have that deep feeling of confidence in yourself…in 2 months. Here is more information and the link to sign up for the preview call.
You know what you should do…but you don’t do it
February 28, 2008
Why do you procrastinate when you know that you should just make the phone call?
Why do you not go to the gym when you know you should?
You probably think it’s because you are lazy, but that’s not why.
Why do you say yes to other people when you know you should focus on finishing your own client work?
Why do you let other people’s comments make you feel bad about yourself?
You probably think its because you are too nice or too thin skinned, but that’s not why.
Here’s why you do that.
If you are like most people, you tend to look at a single behavior and think that one behavior is what you do to ‘get in your own way’. For example, you think “my problem is that I procrastinate”. You know techniques to change that one behavior, BUT you don’t use them and life doesn’t change much.
That’s because its rarely a single behavior that is ‘getting in your way’. Generally your ‘single behavior’ is embedded in a whole approach that you have to your life. The reason that you don’t have the willpower to change that one behavior in the moment is that you have not yet built ‘who you need to be’ in order to do things differently. As long as you are still being who you are now, you need that behavior. It serves a purpose for you –it helps you feel confident and worthy in yourself.
If that sounds like a stretch, let me explain. Procrastination is not putting yourself out there in order to prevent other people from shooting you down or giving you feedback that would make you keep doubting yourself. Thus, the reason you procrastinate is because you have a doubt about yourself and therefore you must avoid putting yourself out there in a way that could erode your shaky confidence. Its not about being lazy. You don’t even necessarily have to work hard to change that procrastination habit. If you got your confidence from within, you wouldn’t have to hold yourself back in order to protect your shaky confidence from other’s opinions.
Here’s another example: If you say “yes” to other people when you mean to say “no”, its not just about scheduling your time differently or just learning to say ‘no’. You probably know how to say ‘no’ already, but you are not doing it. Why? Your ‘overgiving’ behavior serves the purpose of getting other people to think well of you. You get them to think well of you so that you can borrow your confidence from the way you’ve gotten them to think about you. If you had strong confidence in yourself, you would be able to choose what to do based on whether it fit in well with the results you want for your life. You wouldn’t need to do behaviors, such as say ‘yes’ when you mean to say ‘no’, in order to build your confidence through others’ eyes.
As long as you are trying to derive your confidence and worthiness from certain behaviors, it doesn’t matter that you “know” you should be doing it differently – you will repeatedly turn to the things that help you feel confident in yourself (even though they just help you manage other people’s perceptions of you but in the end just keep you unconfident). The only way forward is to build a rock solid sense of confidence from within.
Questions to ask yourself:
-
What are two things you often know you should be doing but don’t do?
-
How does it affect your view of yourself that you repeatedly don’t do the things you know you should?
-
How is “not doing what you know you should” affecting the amount of money you earn each month and the amount of time you spend with your family each night?
-
If you felt truly confident in yourself, how would you act differently?
If you are sick of floating through your days and getting down on yourself for knowing what you should do but not doing it, don’t end up kicking yourself for not having joined my course in NYC starting in 5 days. Now is your chance! The course guarantees that you will build unprecedented rock solid confidence in yourself within 2 months.
There are only 3 seats left and registration ends tomorrow. Act before the deadline and be the last to slip into this exclusive opportunity to be mentored by Sharon personally. This is the last time she will offer this course at this price this year.
The REAL Reason Why You Seek Approval
February 20, 2008
Many times when clients come to me wanting to grow their business or be on the fast track for promotion, they are not aware that a main block to their successes is wasting time and energy seeking other people’s approval. Usually within a handful of minutes we are able to come up with 5-10 ways that they didn’t even realize they were doing this. At the beginning, they don’t ‘get’ that the things they were doing to try to feel more confident were the very things that were keeping them unconfident.
At the end of our work together, my clients and workshop participants say they no longer waste time and energy worrying what other people think. They are amazed at how much more positive energy they have when they are able to get that feeling of acceptance from within. When they validate their own value and get their self acceptance from within, their businesses grow between 40 and 100% for the year, and they become shoe-ins for promotion.
Here are the REAL reasons why you seek approval:
As human beings we are motivated to feel secure and confident in ourselves – to feel ‘enough’. Human beings are psychologically and biologically wired to be in that emotional state as much as possible.
When you have doubt(s) about yourself, it means there are moments when you can’t find that confidence and security within yourself. So you need to find a way to get into that state, and here is the solution you have found:
You put your efforts into getting other people to think well of you.
A few examples:
- Work tons of hours in hopes of getting acknowledgement from your boss
- Do for everybody else and not have time to do what you need
- Act overly complimentary, false,overly accommodating to get approval
- Contact lower tier clients because they are non-threatening and reassuring
- Report your successes hoping you will be validated for doing a good job
- Obsess over how you say/write things to people who evaluate you
Your behaviors aim to get others to tell you that you are good at what you do or show you appreciation.You get other people to think well of you so you can see yourself through their eyes. You say to yourself, “well I have a doubt about myself, but if they think that I’m a good person/smart, etc. then I must be valuable, worthy, competent, etc”. In effect, you ‘borrow’ your confidence from the way that you get them to think about you.The larger the pocket of doubt you have about yourself, the more you seek approval.
You might be thinking now: “But it makes me feel good if I get a compliment, what’s the problem?” Good question!
Here are 3 answers:
First, it’s not a reliable way to feel confident inside yourself because you can control how you act towards other people but you can’t control whether they will follow through on what you need from them. How many times have you put a lot of effort into doing something nice for someone, but they were in a bad mood or caught up in themselves and didn’t acknowledge you for it? You get mad at them because they didn’t participate in helping you to feel ‘good enough’ inside your own self. You handed your power over on a silver platter because you set yourself up to need the other person. You are beholden to them, not free to be yourself.
Second, it’s not sustainable. When your boss gives you a pat on the back, it’s such a high! It lasts for an hour, a day, maybe a week or more. But then…it fades. And you have to go out and seek their approval again in order to get filled up with that confidence again. It doesn’t regenerate from within. How exhausting!
Third, and most importantly, it doesn’t work. Because that feeling is always coming from the outside it never really ‘sticks’ within you. You don’t get the real benefit you were originally seeking: that genuine feeling from within that you are truly ‘enough’ and that you are a worthy, loveable person.
If you do an excellent job on an assignment and you get compliments, that’s great. If your partner shows you a lot of appreciation for your efforts, that’s terrific. Enjoy it! .
What I’m saying is that should be the cherry on top, not the ice cream sundae itself. You don’t want to make your ability to feel good inside of you dependent on how you can “get” other people to make you feel. That’s controlling, and it doesn’t work.
The answer is to get that feeling of acceptance from within. To get your confidence from putting your time and energy into building your own core competence so you can have the skills to make contributions that really make you proud of yourself. To get filled up by putting your efforts into activities and pursuits that excite you and make you feel happy with who you are and the career you’ve put together.
If you are sick of needing other people’s approval, you can be free of it within 2 months by joining my live course in
- What are three behaviors you do that are designed to seek others’ approval (i.e., designed for other people to think well of you in order to get them to validate you… so that you can borrow confidence from the way you got them to think about you?).
- Who do you notice is the person/people you look to the most for approval?
- Is it working to seek their approval, i.e., do you have rock solid confidence in yourself?
If you are ready to have your self acceptance come from within (and have the income boost that comes with that), join my course that begins in just 12 days. Act now! Since we opened registration last week, more than half the seats are taken. Sharon will provide a 30 minute complimentary consultation for anyone who registers within the next 24 hours, until 12 pm EST. Check out the added options for individual coaching with Sharon and extra program bonuses. Find out more and register here.
The best time management tool you’re not using…
February 11, 2008
What is the single best time management tool out there, probably one you are under-using?
That’s right: Clarity.
People who are clear about exactly what they want and about what is expected of them are able to ‘move the needle forward’ everyday. Their thoughts are focused so they can give clear directions to other people – tasks get done right the first time, not over and over again. People who are clear about exactly what they want are concise in the way they speak to other people, so meetings take shorter time. They put 100% of their energy into what they’ve defined they really want, instead of constantly wondering whether this is what they really want and having their attention wander. They can go home at the end of the day knowing that they accomplished exactly what they set out to do, instead of having unclear expectations of themselves and always feeling guilty about what they haven’t done.
They know exactly what to put their attention onto, and what not to put their attention onto. If they are requested to put their efforts into something else, they are able to keep their focus without feeling badly (Hint: read the Power of a Positive No by William Ury). When others pile on them (e.g., a boss), they are able to push back effectively.
Many people feel deep inside that they are not ‘enough’. In the absence of a clear written description of exactly you mean by being ‘enough’, no matter how successful you are you may assess yourself as falling short of an abstract ideal. You will not have a clear set of target goals that when you reach you can finally tell yourself ‘I’m enough’.
Here’s how you might know if you are not as clear as you could be.
1) Do you put out a lot of effort but your efforts aren’t accumulating into the results you want for your career/life?
2) Have you noticed that many of your 60.000 thoughts are not in the service of the results you want to create?
3) Have you ever been given feedback that your communication is not concise?
4) You may know you want to earn a certain amount of money at the end of the year, but are you clear about the business model you need to get there?
5) Do you find yourself daydreaming about a career/life scenario that you’d be more passionate about?
6) How much time you are losing each day because you are not clear. What would you rather be doing with that time?
Usually when you are not as clear as you need to be to have the success you want, it is because you have thoughts and behaviors that are interfering with your clarity. To become clear about exactly what you want in your career and personal life within 2 months, join my upcoming course in NYC. Learn more here.
To give you a taste of the power of this workshop, listen to the replay of the Preview call (the recording is at the bottom of the page).
The 7 mistakes business owners make every day that keep you from finally getting what you want.
The REAL Reason Why You Procrastinate
February 6, 2008
Have you been putting off doing one of the ‘big rocks’ in your life?
For example, have you been procrastinating on
- making a career change
- going for the next level in your business
- asking for a raise
- leaving a relationship that’s not right for you
Here are the REAL reason why…
In contrast to most advice columns, I think procrastination has less to do with fear, and more to do with hope.
When you procrastinate on doing the ‘big rocks’ in your life you do so to preserve hope: As long as you don’t ‘put yourself out there’, then in your mind you can continue to live in the possibility that someday you will live up to your ideal of yourself and earn the respect of people important to you.
Here’s what’s going on inside your mind. Even though you have objective accomplishments you can point to, you still have a doubt about whether you are ‘enough’ or have what it takes to succeed in your next step. You are worried about 2 things: 1) that your bold next step might not go well, but more importantly, 2) you will make it a confirmation that you will never be able to live up to the dream you have for yourself (or at least not without an insurmountable amount of effort). Meaning, any rockiness you experience along the way to making your next step work you will interpret as a confirmation of your worst fear: that you really are ‘not enough’ or ‘don’t have what it takes’. That would lead to hopelessness.
Your procrastination behaviors are an effort to prevent the bursting of that bubble. By not testing your capability in the real world, you can hold onto the hope in your mind you are still capable of achieving dreams you’ve long had for yourself. You get to live in hope so you can still go on with your life and feel ok about yourself because “someday” you’re going to make the life you want and be the person you want to be. This allows you to accept the way you feel ‘not good enough’ now.
The problem is that when you don’t put yourself out there, you also don’t grow from experiences. You don’t move your life forward. You don’t get what you want or become who you want to be. And other people pass you by, and it makes you feel progressively insecure about yourself.
People who procrastinate seek relief. They get rewards by living in hope. Successful people seek real results. They get rewards by making real contributions in the world and learning from their mistakes.
P.S. I’ve started my next step…I’ll be done writing my book by the end of the month. Are you starting yours?
1) What are you putting off because you are trying not to confirm your worst fear about yourself?
2) If things don’t go well for you, do you say to yourself “see, things don’t go my way”, or “see, this proves they don’t think I’m good enough”. Instead, think of how successful people respond; they have an attitude of “whoever makes the most mistakes wins”.
3) Do you set yourself up to procrastinate by running “what if” scenarios? Instead, try focusing only on the next small step you’ll need to take.
If you know you are procrastinating on your work or putting off taking an important next step in your life, join my upcoming 8 week program in which you are guaranteed to move beyond your old ways and become the focussed, confident person you’ve always imagined you would be.