The REAL Reason Why You Seek Approval
February 20, 2008
Many times when clients come to me wanting to grow their business or be on the fast track for promotion, they are not aware that a main block to their successes is wasting time and energy seeking other people’s approval. Usually within a handful of minutes we are able to come up with 5-10 ways that they didn’t even realize they were doing this. At the beginning, they don’t ‘get’ that the things they were doing to try to feel more confident were the very things that were keeping them unconfident.
At the end of our work together, my clients and workshop participants say they no longer waste time and energy worrying what other people think. They are amazed at how much more positive energy they have when they are able to get that feeling of acceptance from within. When they validate their own value and get their self acceptance from within, their businesses grow between 40 and 100% for the year, and they become shoe-ins for promotion.
Here are the REAL reasons why you seek approval:
As human beings we are motivated to feel secure and confident in ourselves – to feel ‘enough’. Human beings are psychologically and biologically wired to be in that emotional state as much as possible.
When you have doubt(s) about yourself, it means there are moments when you can’t find that confidence and security within yourself. So you need to find a way to get into that state, and here is the solution you have found:
You put your efforts into getting other people to think well of you.
A few examples:
- Work tons of hours in hopes of getting acknowledgement from your boss
- Do for everybody else and not have time to do what you need
- Act overly complimentary, false,overly accommodating to get approval
- Contact lower tier clients because they are non-threatening and reassuring
- Report your successes hoping you will be validated for doing a good job
- Obsess over how you say/write things to people who evaluate you
Your behaviors aim to get others to tell you that you are good at what you do or show you appreciation.You get other people to think well of you so you can see yourself through their eyes. You say to yourself, “well I have a doubt about myself, but if they think that I’m a good person/smart, etc. then I must be valuable, worthy, competent, etc”. In effect, you ‘borrow’ your confidence from the way that you get them to think about you.The larger the pocket of doubt you have about yourself, the more you seek approval.
You might be thinking now: “But it makes me feel good if I get a compliment, what’s the problem?” Good question!
Here are 3 answers:
First, it’s not a reliable way to feel confident inside yourself because you can control how you act towards other people but you can’t control whether they will follow through on what you need from them. How many times have you put a lot of effort into doing something nice for someone, but they were in a bad mood or caught up in themselves and didn’t acknowledge you for it? You get mad at them because they didn’t participate in helping you to feel ‘good enough’ inside your own self. You handed your power over on a silver platter because you set yourself up to need the other person. You are beholden to them, not free to be yourself.
Second, it’s not sustainable. When your boss gives you a pat on the back, it’s such a high! It lasts for an hour, a day, maybe a week or more. But then…it fades. And you have to go out and seek their approval again in order to get filled up with that confidence again. It doesn’t regenerate from within. How exhausting!
Third, and most importantly, it doesn’t work. Because that feeling is always coming from the outside it never really ‘sticks’ within you. You don’t get the real benefit you were originally seeking: that genuine feeling from within that you are truly ‘enough’ and that you are a worthy, loveable person.
If you do an excellent job on an assignment and you get compliments, that’s great. If your partner shows you a lot of appreciation for your efforts, that’s terrific. Enjoy it! .
What I’m saying is that should be the cherry on top, not the ice cream sundae itself. You don’t want to make your ability to feel good inside of you dependent on how you can “get” other people to make you feel. That’s controlling, and it doesn’t work.
The answer is to get that feeling of acceptance from within. To get your confidence from putting your time and energy into building your own core competence so you can have the skills to make contributions that really make you proud of yourself. To get filled up by putting your efforts into activities and pursuits that excite you and make you feel happy with who you are and the career you’ve put together.
If you are sick of needing other people’s approval, you can be free of it within 2 months by joining my live course in
- What are three behaviors you do that are designed to seek others’ approval (i.e., designed for other people to think well of you in order to get them to validate you… so that you can borrow confidence from the way you got them to think about you?).
- Who do you notice is the person/people you look to the most for approval?
- Is it working to seek their approval, i.e., do you have rock solid confidence in yourself?
If you are ready to have your self acceptance come from within (and have the income boost that comes with that), join my course that begins in just 12 days. Act now! Since we opened registration last week, more than half the seats are taken. Sharon will provide a 30 minute complimentary consultation for anyone who registers within the next 24 hours, until 12 pm EST. Check out the added options for individual coaching with Sharon and extra program bonuses. Find out more and register here.
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