How To Free Yourself From Someone Who Drives You Nuts At Work (Without Quitting)

Is someone who works for you (e.g., direct report, assistant) not performing up to your standard? Do you have a boss whose agenda you need to follow even though you don’t agree with it? Is it driving you crazy to feel like you are being controlled by someone else’s behavior?

Here’s what you need to ‘get’ about these situations. They will keep doing things the same way because its YOUR problem they are acting this way, its not their problem. Nothing will change as long as you are the one who is facing the consequences of their behavior, not them.

You probably spend a lot of time in your mind saying things like “Why does s/he act this way” or “Its obvious s/he should do it differently”. What I’m saying is: thinking these things in your own mind but not actually doing anything about it in real life hands over your power to the other person on a silver platter.

Here’s what you can do: “transfer the ownership” of the problem. Until they see that continuing to act this way interferes with something that THEY WANT, they will not be motivated to change anything.

Use this technique to have a respectful discussion that will begin to “transfer ownership of the problem.” FREE yourself from this nagging negativity and be ‘in your power’!

F Facts: state the undesirable behavior the person is doing in a way that is overt and measureable. Start with the phrase “When you…” Just say the data, avoid inference. (e.g., don’t say “when you waste my time”, say “when a few times this week I sat in your office and you take a client phone call for 20 minutes”… Don’t say “when you are unprofessional”, say “when you arrive at 9:30 for our 9am meeting several times this month…)

R Results: state the impact of their behavior. “What happens is…”, “The impact is…”, “The result is…”, “How I feel is…” then explain to them the downstream consequences that affect you and others that they might not realize.

E Empathy: show respect and empathy for the other person. Using the e.g. above, “I admire the way you like to be available by telephone for your clients at any time of the day”, or “I know that you have childcare duties in the morning and its complicated for you to get to work”, etc.

E Expectation: state your expectation or your request that you want them to live up to and state it in a way that puts it in terms of what is most important to them. E.g., Request: e.g., “Given what you’ve instructed me about being careful about the time we bill the client, and knowing I will need to bill the client for the time I spend in your office, can I ask that we work out a system so that we can make efficient use of the time we have together in meetings, or we can work around the times you’ll be talking with clients on the phone?” or Expectation: “The expectation of your position is that you attend our staff meetings on time with the allowance of only one missed meeting a quarter”

Depending on the situation you will also want to add the following elements into your discussion.

A Accountability: Especially in situations with an underperforming direct report, you want to build in accountability. Here’s where you transfer the ownership: “What is YOUR plan for how you will …(live up to the expectation I just set out). You can also ask them what support they need from you in order to carry out THEIR plan “What do you need in order to . By doing this you release yourself from having to worry and apply effort to get them to change. Its up to them now. Ask them about accountability: “What kind of accountability can we build in here? How will we check back in with each other to know how you are achieving your plan to change this behavior…”

C Consequence: Sometimes its appropriate, particularly if you are entering into a performance plan situation, you need to let them know the consequences for not following through on the plan they have made to live up to your expectations (this is part of transferring the ownership so that now it is THEIR problem, not YOURS). “We have just established benchmarks for how we’ll know whether you are… Let’s go over the consequences, what will happen if you don’t meet these expectations within x period of time…”

Please forward this article to anyone who works with someone who drives them crazy!

In her 6-week Fall workshop in NYC starting September 17th, Dr. Melnick will give more in-depth strategies for how to not only deal with difficult people, but influence them to do things your way

You are welcome to forward this article. Please include the following resource information:

Sharon Melnick, Ph.D. ‘helps talented and successful people get out of their own way”. Over 90% of the clients who came to her to find their next career step successfully completed a career change within 3 months! A coach and psychologist affiliated with Harvard Medical School, she has taught hundreds of people practical solutions to overcome the blocks they have to stepping into their ideal career. Take her free assessment and find out ways you don’t even know you are getting in your own way or visit her website http://sharonmelnick.com.

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